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Sunday, October 22, 2017

Why Married Men Still Go After Prostitutes

Written by: Muoka Chibuzor G

The world is changing every day, and everyone is changing along with it. This inevitable change has remained the driving force of modern day evolution, of which has led to advancements in the world order and the adoption of several unquestioned belief systems that can be consequential. New ideologies and lifestyles that do not support matrimony, dealt a death blow to the marital sanity and sanctity enjoyed by our predecessors. Marriage as a union has suffered enormous neglect in the hands of men who do not actually understand the intricacies and obligations of being married in this 21st century. Gone are the good old days when most men wore their wedding rings with pride, love their wives and children in truth, and treat them justly in all fairness with a conscience devoid of clandestine acts.

Few Months to the end of Barack Obama’s Presidency, Obama showed the quintessential character of an ideal married man and a loving father, when he publicly acknowledged his family saying;
“Michelle… Michelle LaVaughn Robinson, girl of the South Side. For the past 25 years, you have not only been my wife and mother of my children. You have been my best friend. You took on a role you didn’t ask for and made it your own, with grace and with grit and with style and good humour. You made the White House a place that belongs to everybody and a new generation sets its sights higher because it has you as a role model… So you have made me proud and you have made the country proud. Malia and Sasha (daughters), under the strangest circumstances you have become two amazing young women…you are smart and you are beautiful but more importantly, you are kind and you are thoughtful and full of passion. You wore the burden of years in spotlight easily, of all that I have done in my life, I’m most proud to be your dad.”
Marriage as an Institution
In-depth examination of the phenomenon “marriage” and the life of being married, demands carefulness before going into it. According to the Cambridge Advanced Learners dictionary (CALD), marriage is a legally accepted relationship between a woman and a man in which they live as husband and wife. According to the Wikipedia, Marriage is the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship (historically and in some jurisdictions specifically a union between a man and a woman).  From this lucid definition of marriage, it can be deduced that the two involved parties have agreed to be one, to stay away from every other person (third party) who will try to put asunder between them, to call people to bear witness to their undying love, to stay together forever as spouses, and also indulge in the procreation and education of offspring.

From time immemorial, man has always been polygamous in nature. His curious nature tempts him to believe beyond doubt that variety is indeed the sweetness of life (new and exciting experiences make life more interesting). From a religious point of view, most major religions in the world see monogamy as primordial, some religions like Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism, Islam etc. upheld monogamy (one man, one wife). However, some of these religions can permit men to marry more than one wife, depending on circumstances and situations e.g., Islam, can also permit a man to marry more than one wife, up to four wives (Islamic polygamy) for as long as he can take care, cater for and love his family adequately. From a statistical point of view based on demographics, several scientific research has also supported the polygamist with the notion that several countries in the world have been noted to have more females than males, which increases the propensity for men to marry more than one woman. However, a man is said to be married, irrespective of whether he practices polygamy (polygyny) or monogamy (monogyny).

Before marriage, several crucial steps are mostly observed by the partners so as to limit and possibly eradicate the possibility of marriage breakup, these steps include - acquaintance, friendship, dating and courtship. When the partners have successfully completed these steps, they can be said to be ready for marriage. Unfortunately, one of the caterpillar ravaging the fabrics of matrimony is infidelity. When a husband decides to leave his wife at home and decides to go after a prostitute who lives in a brothel, then there must be an unaddressed issue rearing its ugly heads within the household.

The Wife versus the Prostitute
A clear distinction must be created so that one can distinguish clearly between a legal wife and the prostitute. In this context, it is an established fact that both the wife and prostitute are female by gender, and a wife according to the CALD is a woman that a man is married to, whether through court marriage, church marriage, traditional marriage etc., and a prostitute according to Wikipedia is a person, in particular, a woman, who engages in sexual activity for payment (money). In this context a prostitute is a woman who has sex with a man (married man) for money without the consent and knowledge of the wife, thereby violating the rights of the legal or formal wife with the offensive act of infidelity, of which the husband gave his full consent to.

Prevalent factors that lead married men into the hands of prostitutes
The pertinent question remains, what would make a married man prefer or go after a prostitute when he has a wife or wives? Several reasons abound, of which can create the room for such to happen. Every day in our society, so many marriages break up, cases of divorce pileup in courts, mostly as a result of infidelity, presumably, the husband has been cheating on the wife with a prostitute.

1. The first factor is sexual deprivation from spouse. Behaviorally, Humans are very susceptible to love and care. The major reason why a man will be in need of a prostitute is to quench his sexual urge and to satisfy his sexual fantasies. When a man marries a woman who disrespects and disobeys him, and probably frustrates him with sex starvation or dissatisfaction, the room for hatred and dislike is bound to be created between them, and it won’t be long before the man falls into the hands of another woman.

The man now begins to seek for the panacea that will bring comfort and gladden his saddened heart. Perhaps, the man loves frequent sex and his wife denies him sex, leading to poor sexual satisfaction, probably because she’s not good in bed or probably not interested, and it is obviously clear to the man that she doesn’t care to improve. She dresses so unappealing and appears unattractive, and when the husband tries to advise her, she throws caution to the wind. When the man moves out, he meets ladies that look extremely appealing, while his wife is quite the opposite. Issues like this can push married men into the hands of prostitutes, as he yearns to satisfy himself.

2. The second factor is the incapacitation and unavailability spouse. When the wife of a man is unavailable, maybe she travelled afar and isn’t coming back anytime soon due to work schedule and other constraints.  A married man who is morally deficient can see that as an opportunity to patronize the prostitute, especially if the man does not truly love his wife. This dilemma is very visible in distant relationships, whereby the partners are very far from each other and neither of them can fully say what the other is doing.

When the wife is incapacitated, being unable to play optimally the wifely role as a result of several issues that may include sickness. If the man isn’t considerate enough, he might hop into the hands of other women. Therefore, an enduring love plays a great role in this aspect to prevent marital infidelity.

3. The third factor is peers and friends of diverse opinions. A popular adage says, “show me your friends and I will show you your future.” A Japanese adage says, “When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends.” It is very obvious that the calibre of people a man associates with has enormous influence on his actions and decisions. The peer group a man belongs to generates peer pressures that can influence the man’s life negatively if he is unfortunate to be among peers and friends who do not stand with a single view of life but are of diverse opinions.

Friends and peers who visit the brothel can lure a married man to patronize prostitutes. Probably, the couple had a brief misunderstanding and instead of the issue being resolved amicably, pieces of advice sought-for and gotten from these peers and friends can change the married man’s perception about prostitutes. These friends and peer groups can catalyze a change in the belief system of a married man by pressuring him to visit the brothel, assuming they do so. One should not be deceived because bad company corrupts good manners.

4. The fourth factor is lack of self-discipline. According to the Wikipedia, self-discipline is the ability to control one's feelings and overcome one's weaknesses. This indispensable virtue is lacking in most married men. Lack of self-discipline in this context signifies lack of respect for one’s spouse. Most married men do not perceive their marital vows to be of any significance or relevance. They are totally uncommitted to marital vows as a result of gross self-indiscipline.

The prevalence of youthful exuberance among married men is still perceptible. Such men move from one-night club to another, drinking, spending money on prostitutes and frivolities, while their lovely wife and children are at home waiting patiently for them to return.

5. The fifth factor is the addictive habit of womanizing. A habit is a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up. For so many reasons, one can cultivate the habit of womanizing, probably as a result of bad environmental influence, improper upbringing, bad associates etc. When one cannot give up a certain kind of lifestyle then they are said to have developed a form of habit addiction. When a man is addicted to the habit of engaging in numerous casual sexual affairs with women, the man is said to be a womanizer. Patronizing prostitutes can become unstoppable even in marriage due to addiction. Just like drug addiction, one can become addicted to sleeping with harlots.

Married men who are habitual womanizers even before marriage, always find their way to the brothel where they will have easy access to any kind of woman they want. Having a wife at home does not prevent them from having affairs with prostitutes. Womanizing has become part and parcel of their lifestyle and is been carried out religiously. Having sex with a single woman “wife” is a boring lifestyle to them, they champion the cause that says “variety is the spice of life”.

6. The sixth factor is Religious rules and regulations in marriage. Religion is a system of faith and worship, is saturated with rules that regulate man’s ways of life. Man being an obstinate being, has always indulged in the violation of laid down rules and regulations. Looking at Christianity which prohibits any form of polygamy and upholds monogamy. Men who are Christians and find it very difficult to have (marry) only one woman, may have no other option than to find a way to boycott the rules of Christian matrimony without making it obvious to the Christian community.

Thereby, patronizing prostitutes in the secret, since they can’t marry a second wife. This has led to the emergence of Christian married men who see the religious restrictions as a barrier and thus, they go against the Christian marital doctrine to have other women aside from their wife.

Looking at Islam which can allow men to have more than one wife (Islamic polygyny). Men who are Muslims might see the permission to have more than one wife as a leverage to womanize. Whereby they can easily deceive the Islamic community since they can have more than one wife.

The consequences of married men going after prostitutes
The aftermath of patronizing prostitutes as a married man is quite enormous and is not worth taking the risk if the man truly loves his family. These consequences include:

1. Exposure to Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) – Married men who patronize prostitutes expose themselves to the risk of getting several STDs. These STDs can destroy marriages, e.g., a married man who gets HIV from a prostitute and transmits it to the wife who is unaware, or the wife discovers about it before she gets it, has ended up bringing an indelible stigma into his home.

2.  Distraction from family affairs – When a married man starts having extramarital affairs, his attention is divided because no man can serve two masters at the same time. The married man now starts lagging behind when it comes to providing for the family because he spends his hard earned money and precious time on prostitutes. If this continues, his home might possibly crumble.

3. The breakup of marriage – Marriages today crumble as a result of infidelity. Divorce is strictly understandable on the grounds of gross infidelity. Most women will not tolerate their husband mingling with prostitutes for several reasons best known to them, and whenever they discover that they can sue the husband to court and demand for the dissolution of the marriage (divorce).

4. The guilt of infidelity – The human conscience is the moral sense that deals with helping man differentiate between right and wrong. Guiltiness comes as a result of knowing that the past actions one indulged in, are truly wrong when weighted on the scale of morality. When the cloak of guilt covers an individual, it can affect one’s behaviour and output.  When a married man sleeps with a prostitute, the guilt of his misconduct is ever ready to haunt him, if he does not reveal the truth.

5.  Loss of respect as a married man – In most African communities, visiting the brothel as a bachelor is discouraged. Visiting the brothel as a married man is a taboo, and when people discover such a married man who patronizes prostitute, he is classified as the black sheep of the community. No one will want to associate with such a man and that’s a form of stigmatization.

His respect as an adult is dragged to the mud as people will never take his advice and contributions to be valuable, for he is said to involve in self-degrading acts. It is said that self-respect guides our morals, respect for others guides our manners and the way we present ourselves is the way we will be addressed.

Remedial Measures to prevent married men from going after prostitutes
1. The wives should try their best to satisfy their husband sexually because it is a marital obligation. They should not use sex starvation as a tool to bring their husbands to their knee when they do wrong. Wives should also ensure that they always appear clean and kempt, so that their husband would always admire, and shower accolades on them.

2. When a woman sees her husband mingling with friends and peers of questionable character, she should try her best to make her husband sees reasons with her, by making him withdraw from those peers and friends whom she feels can change her husband’s ideologies from what she expects.

3. Public awareness should be created to enlighten people on the need for self-discipline. The mass media, religious sects, scholars and other personalities of good repute, should indulge in enlightening the people about the need for self–discipline and its indispensable importance in the life of an individual and the entire society.

4. Wives should strive to bring their husbands closer to God, so that they will have the fear of God in them. Wives should also drag their husbands along, whenever marriage seminar opportunities come-up. That may be the water that will soften his hardened heart and make him wiser and considerate.

5. A married man who is into the habit of visiting the brothel and truly want to change for good, should seek help in rehabilitation centres from a sex therapists and marriage counsellors, who would probably help out in every possible way to fight the causes, and ensure he stops womanizing.

6. Sensitization from various religious organizations, health organizations, Non-governmental organizations etc., should be intensified so as to enlighten and clarify the people of the implications of sleeping around.

In as much as so many temptations sabotage and attack modern-day marriages, it should not be allowed to desecrate the temple of matrimony. Married men should be faithful to their wives, bearing in mind the consequences of patronizing the prostitute, coupled with the overwhelming responsibilities bestowed on them by their family and the society. They should emulate Obama’s public declarations, about his love for his family and his unwillingness to hurt or disappoint them.

Married men who are already victims of this discussion, should retrace their steps and withdraw from any form of infidelity. They should go back to their homes, seat, and think of how best to make their marriage work no matter what the obstacles might be.

Life without challenges is a practical impossibility – Muoka C. G

1. Barack Obama’s tearful tribute to Michelle Obama. BBC News. January 11th, 2017. Retrieved from http://bbc.in/2j4gDMn

2. Cambridge Advanced Learners dictionary – 3rd edition

3. Polygamy – Wikipedia. Retrieved from – https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polygamy

4. Ten countries where women far outnumber men. (2017, April 25) World Atlas. Retrieved from http://www.worldatlas.com/articles/10-countries-where-women-far-outnumber-men.html

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