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Tuesday, March 28, 2017

The Causes of No Communication in Marriage

Written by: Micheal McGrath and Nicole Gregoire


We have a proverb that says “We only know the value of water when the well runs dry.” Yes, it is often so, we come to know the importance of something when it is missing. While in good health, we fail to thank God for a strong and healthy body. When sickness comes our way, we understand what a great gift health is.
We shall look at how the lack of adequate communication affected Paul and Bibiana marital life.

Paul and Bibiana
They had started their married life with all kinds of good ideas and god plans. They had hope for a happy married life. But after five years both of them were very disappointed with the result.
One evening, Paul was sitting in front of the house, alone. 

Bibiana had gone to bed right after the evening meal. Paul was thinking, thinking of the situation in their house. He looked back. For the past three months, he and Bibiana had not talked about anything that really mattered.

He had not said a word about the trouble he had with his boss and how the boss had taken from him a full week’s salary as a punishment for always being late at work. Nor had he told her that his motor – cycle had been stolen two weeks before.

He had noticed that Bibiana was limping and he knew that she had been going to the dispensary for some time. But she herself had not mentioned anything. He had also seen that she had bought a new dress and he wondered how and where she found the money to pay for it.

He could see she was trying to avoid looking at him. As for him, he answered all her questions with a quick; “Yes” – “No” – “Perhaps” – “I don’t know”.
He felt anger growing inside his heart and he felt that surely Bibiana despised him and hated him. He could feel it.

What was happening to both of them?

Simply this, they had stopped talking to each other and their silence was understood as hostility. This is exactly what happens when there is no communication, silence is seen as the refusal to accept the other person.

It is even seen as hostility and opposition. If Paul doesn’t make up his mind to talk to Bibiana this very evening, no matter the cost, their marriage is in great danger.

Obstacles to communication

We shall mention here a few obstacles to communication. Knowing about them might help us not fall into the trap.

1. Fear is one of these obstacles – fear of being misunderstood, fear of showing too much of myself and that the other person could use this knowledge against me, fear that what I show of myself will not be acceptable to the other person.

2. Stubbornness in refusing to talk is another obstacle. I have been hurt. I have been disappointed. I always take the first step. Now it’s over, I won’t try anymore. I will not talk.

3. Putting the wrong meaning into the words my partner speaks. He has said: “I am sorry I did not introduce you to my friend yesterday.” She hears this words but she translates them like this: “He says he is sorry because he has seen my bad mood but he is not really sorry. He never introduces me to his friends anyway.”  She has put another meaning into the words he had spoken with all good intentions.

4. Not taking time to talk is another obstacle to communication. Often we like to find excuses in order not to communicate, not to sit down and face a problem together. We listen to the radio or we go and chat with a neighbour.

We care for the needs of the children yet we do not put special time aside for simple conversation with our companion in life.

5. Talking a lot without saying anything that touches the two of us can also prevent communication. In marriage, it is a deadly poison. We become used to talking without stopping but always careful not to deal with any topic of importance.

And suddenly one day, we see that we can no longer talk of serious matters with our husband or wife. We talk around things without talking about things.

6. The habit of stressing the fault of the other or of teasing him/her because of his/her weak points can destroy communication or even prevent it from being born. Just listen to some of the expressions we can hear between married people:

“How could you do such a thing? It makes no sense at all. ”
“It was stupid of you to talk to him in this way.”
“When will you stop breaking everything in this house?”
“Will you one day mind your own business?”

All these sentences are the exact opposite of communication. In fact, they make communication impossible. Any partner who hears such thing will feel like burying himself in greater silence. And remember “If love does not communicate, love, dies.

Every one of us – whether we are married or planning to – needs to ask ourselves this question: “Do we really love one another?” The answer is easy to find: How well or how badly do we communicate? Communication that is what life is all about.

That is what your marriage is all about.

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