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Saturday, March 11, 2017

Single but not Searching

Written by: Kate Halim

Marriage is a beautiful thing. While young men and women desire to get married, the snag these days is finding someone who will match them. These days, many relationships are filled with heartaches, lies and deceit such that many people question the benefits of being in relationships in the first place.

Many times, unmarried people are not taken seriously. They are looked down upon. They are considered incomplete because of their single status. Many of them are subtly insulted, questioned and even mocked because they are yet to settle down in marriage.

But contrary to popular opinion, many men and women have chosen singleness, but have come to terms with their situation by not rushing into dysfunctional relationships just to please the society.

These men and women reveal why they are still unmarried.

Deji [M]: I don’t want to marry someone I don’t trust.
At 37, I am going to settle down but not now. Issues that bother on trust prevented me from pursuing anything after my last relationship, and I just grew accustomed to staying single.

I’m thinking of settling down with a young lady from my past but we are taking things gently. I am not apprehensive about it. I’m already used to living my life alone. Even though I want children, I don’t trust to get married to someone I don’t trust. One can’t trust young ladies these days.

Kehinde [M]: I don’t want a relationship of compromise.
At 33, I have not met anyone worth changing my ways for. I have been very opinionated. Some of the men I had dated just couldn’t handle my being independent and outspoken.

They end up trying to turn me into who I’m not.

And it has not been easy with family members and friends pressuring me to settle for anyone I meet because all men are the same. That’s not the kind of life I want for myself. I want a steady, committed and loving relationship filled with love and respect, not one I have to endure.

Ethel [M]: I gave up on marriage.
I will be 38 next month and I am sad I’m not married. I gave up on marriage years ago. Between going to church, enjoying my hobbies and working, I don’t have enough time for anything else. I barely socialise as it is, given 5 – 7 people I talk to on a daily basis. I don’t mingle, I don’t party, and I don’t go out.

I am taking my fate as it is. But being almost 40 and single in Nigeria is like a curse. Family and friends avoid you, refuse to invite you to their weddings and even claim you are cursed.

It has been a hard road. Many have suggested that I get any man to make me pregnant but I don’t want to do that.

Agnes [F]: I can’t change who I am just to be married.
I am in my early thirties and have always been single. I think part of it was simply a lack of luck or good timing growing up.

I can’t really figure out what happened there, but I just never got asked out and I was way too shy to ask anyone out.

I dated one guy once and he kept saying that I was intimidating and that no man would put up with me because of that attitude. I am just being myself. I don’t understand changing who I am just to be married.

I have two degrees in two different disciplines and a master’s degree. I’m easygoing. Moderate social anxiety doesn’t help, though I do put myself out there from time to time. I try to console myself by pointing out that I am too busy to have a social life right now anyway, it sort of helps.

Henry [M]: Many young ladies these days are fake.
Many young ladies these days are pretentious. They don’t have what it takes to make good wives. They are superficial, greedy and materialistic. I am interested in several other fun things, so I get by with good friends who I don’t date.
When I am ready, I will go to my village and pick a small girl I can groom to my taste and marry her.

Akunna [F]: I enjoy my freedom as a single woman.
I have dated a few times but I haven’t met anybody I would love to continue dating. Honestly, right now I’m in a really good place. I have my own place, a job that I like that doesn’t require me to work on my time off, and a home to myself.

I’m happy right now.
That may or may not be because I’m single. I know that I enjoy my freedom. I’m not worried about meeting someone. That day will come and if it doesn’t, oh well.

I’ve spent too much of my life worrying about the future and thinking about the ‘what ifs’. I’m at a point in my life where I have the time and money to do what I want and right now all I want is enjoy life.

Olumide [M]: I don’t trust women these days.
I am a young man of 36. I own my own company and I can say that being single is enjoyable. I have a few flings here and there but no serious relationship at the moment. I am single, happy and carefree.

It’s the best time of my life. The few relationships I was involved in, in the past were nothing to write home about. These days, I just mingle with young ladies and have sex. I don’t trust women these days. Many of them just want my money and they have nothing to offer. I don’t want more problems. I have my younger ones to take care of.

Ihuoma [F]: I won’t go into a wrong relationship to please my parents.
I am 30 years old but the pressure on me to settle down is terrible. I live with my parents and it is hell right now. My mum won’t let me have peace. She is always hounding me to bring a man home for marriage. But where are the men?

Dating isn’t top priority for me. Yes, it might be cool to have a boyfriend. I just haven’t gotten around it. But until I am ready to be in a committed relationship that will eventually lead to marriage.

I won’t just jump into a wrong relationship just to please anyone. It’s my life and I have a say about how to live it.

Frank [M]: I don’t want anyone to control me.
I have been in a serious relationship for four years but I don’t want to marry my girlfriend. She has been pestering me about going to meet her parents but I kept dodging her request.

I love my freedom. I don’t want to be tied down by any woman. I love parties and clubbing and women, but if I get married, my wife will start to control me. I don’t want that.

Geraldine [F]: The Last thing I want is to settle down.
I am 34 years. I have been single for about six years now. I had a handful of short-term boyfriends. For me, I have become so accustomed to being single, and so comfortable in my freedom and I’m afraid to lose it. I have dated a few guys, but I know instantly, I can’t see a future with them.

The last thing I want is to settle, even, even if that means some lonely nights and worries of never experiencing a life shared with someone else. Plus I see so many miserable couples, people who settled because they don’t want to be alone.
I don’t want end up like that.

Right now my life is stress-free, aside from work, my schedule is my own. I’m completely independent, although lonely from time to time, a pretty happy person. So unless I meet a guy that is going to improve upon those areas of my life even more. I’m not giving up on my singleness.
The reasons for being single but not searching is endless, but since everyone isn’t the same. Everyone should follow his/her heart and be ever responsible for the decisions made.

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